Amazon-LogoToday, everyone is looking at Amazon. No, it’s not to see when your bulk order of coconut oil will arrive. Instead, people are looking at the Seattle-based tech giant as a huge bully, guilty of fostering a “bruising workplace” where employees are encouraged to compete against each other and work long hours. 

Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO, denies the entire article. So, the New York Times is a big ol’ fibber now? C’mon. I decided to make my way through the rainy streets of Seattle and meet my old friend Jeff at a, you guessed it, Starbucks. We needed to chat. 

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I peer through the window to see Jeff’s back facing me. He’s already ordered without me, that bastard.

Me: “So….tough article.” 

Jeff: “Yeah, ugh. Goddamnit, fuck this place, I ordered an Americano and this is regular.”

Me: “At least you snagged that Adele CD at the checkout.”

Jeff: “True, true.”

Me: “Alright, let’s cut the shit Jeff. Why are people crying at work?”

Jeff: “Everyone’s a big baby.”

Me: “Jeff…”

Jeff: “Ok, ok. While we don’t stock the workplace with snacks, we do have an abundance of raw onions lying around and we always keep the fans going. You know how hot it gets in Seattle.”

Me: “Now THAT sounds a lot more believable. Ok, so what’s this talk of people getting in trouble if they take off of work?”

Jeff: “First off, there is no such thing as a mental health day. Your mind is healthiest when you work a minimum of 11 hours a day. Secondly, no one gets in trouble if they take off of work. They just get publicly shamed in the town square and our 34 year old interns are immediately interviewed to take their position.”

Me: “How did the New York Times get this so twisted?”

Jeff: “I know, right?”

Me: “Last question before I fall asleep in this weather- Google and Facebook get so much praise for providing employees with gym memberships and amazing maternity/paternity leave support. What is up JB?”

Jeff: “If you’re doing your job the Amazon way, then you don’t have time to have sex, and therefore, get pregnant. As for the gym membership, have you ever had a 2-day shipping package come within 12 hours? That’s because we have our employees run it to you. If they are not involved with our operations team, then the engineers get all of their exercise via their fingertips while coding. Oh, and our lack of snacks means a much smaller chance of anyone gaining weight. Weight gain leads to heart disease and laziness. Do you see what I’m getting at here? It’s a simple business model, really.”

Rachel: “Thanks so much for clearing all of this up, Jeff. I’ll let you get back to work!”

Jeff pulls out eight Amazon fire tablets and a laptop and sets them on the small Starbucks table.

Jeff: “I’ve been working this whole time, bitch.”