In the past few weeks, it’s been made very clear that there is a new king of the sea jungle. A new emperor of the big blue. An obnoxious Donald Trump of Davy Jones’ locker.
In a seemingly strategic approach by Discovery Channel, the past few weeks following Shark Week have been full of shark sightings and attacks around the world. Sharks are acting out left and right, trying to stay in the limelight after their week of cable stardom. But this behavior will not get their fins on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
The most recent attack during a surf competition in Jeffreys Bay left the world stunned. Since the attack, millions of people have googled “How To Punch a Shark,” “Is Mick Fanning single?” and naturally “Can Boogie Boarders Get Attacked by Sharks, Too?”
“I was all like, ‘YOU’RE MY BITCH SHARK,’ and then I head-butted him,” says Fanning following his close call last week.
With these recent attacks and the summer heat looming ahead, it makes me wonder, are pools even safe anymore? What about that large puddle at the corner of my street after a thunderstorm? I share a word of caution to you all, especially to you and your family as you head out to surf in South Africa. I’m pretty sure there are more sharks in that part of the ocean than Republican candidates running for President. Stick to the land. I hear the safaris are lovely this time of year.
As cool as you think it would be (hear me out though, it would be the absolute coolest, most badass thing of all time), do not punch a shark if you come into contact with one. They’ve been known to posses the same fighting power as a lightweight MMA fighter with a chip on his/her shoulder. They are the Predators of the Pacific. The Annihilators of the Atlantic. The Evil Dolphins of the World. Beware.