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I read the news. You’ve figured out the technology to search words in my phone. Congrats. 

NSA, oh NSA. You are in for a real treat when you search my constantly fingerprinted iPhone 6. Nope, that’s not blood on my screen. That’s Sriracha sauce. Inside the phone, you’ll find copious amounts of food and drink photos, lower angled “fat chin” selfies, and mostly thumb-on-lens photos with a glimpse of what would have been a beautiful landscape I-could’ve-sold-this-shit-to-National-Geographic photo in the background. 

When searching for words on my phone, I’ll direct you towards my keywords, which include but are not limited to: “ya,” “ok,” “see ya,” “love you,” “wut,” and “Mom, I’m at work.” You might even catch the occasional, “wtf,” “dead,” and “STOP” (in response to receiving stupid promotional text messages). Honestly, it’s going to be a whole lot of emojis, too. J-face side smile emoji all the way. 

As for my voicemails, most are mumbled jokes that make no sense, ending with a high pitch singing voice of someone’s name. Few are sweet, few are purposeful. And guess what, my voicemail inbox will ALWAYS be 90% full for “those calls” I want to REMEMBER. 

Take it all in NSA. There’s a lot to work with. Also, in the time it took you to read this, a naked flash mob sprinted across the White House lawn.