In an effort to have all my bases covered in case anything happens, I’ve formulated a Back-Up Career Testament to myself. If all else fails, here are the back-up careers I’m working with right now: 

1. Be the girl in the still photo that is on every single EDM/chill music YouTube channel video. For examples, see Majestic Casual and The Sound You Need. I’ve never been to Coachella, but I can sure as hell pretend. 

2. Test out mattresses and write reviews. I saw it in an Even Stevens episode once. That’s a real thing, right? 

3. Personal taste tester. I’ll work alongside picky eaters as a Taste Test Consultant, privately hired and invited to every meal they have. I simply taste test the food to make sure “it’ll be ok” and that “it’s not too spicy.” 

4. Substitute teacher. Pop that VHS tape in there. 

5. Substitute gym teacher. Dodgeball or get out. 

6. Still figuring out logistics here, but, a Leaking Lid Lawyer. Nothing gets me more fired up then a leaky coffee to-go lid. Get it sealed or I’ll see you in court. 

7. Full time blogger. LOL. 

8. Tinder consultant. Let me shape your profile, and ultimately, your life. I will be the godmother of SO. MANY. CHILDREN. 

9. Professional clapper. Worried about bombing at your comedy show? No worries, I’ll be there.

10. Freelance freelancer.