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Turning over a new leaf. = I’m pulling a 2015 Justin Bieber.

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Don’t beat a dead horse. = Teen Mom 6 premieres Sunday. 

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The grass is greener on the other side. = I’m sure Groupon will have a coupon for that later this month.

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You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take. = How was staying in Friday night?


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Chaos is a friend of mine. = Great, Kelli is coming with us tonight. 

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When one door closes, a window opens. = You didn’t get the job but there is a Chipotle opening up down the street. 

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It’s survival of the fittest. = I’m good, I drank a blue Gatorade this morning. 

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A penny saved is a penny earned. = It’s buy one get one free, right? 

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Better late than never. = You should be honored by my lateness. 

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Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. = We can’t take you out to parties anymore, you fall asleep on the couch at 9:30PM everytime. 

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Put on your thinking cap. = Look up from your phone for 2 seconds. 

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Grin and bear it. = I just logged into my Mobile Banking app.