Football season is in full force and with it, Fantasy Football. Guesses and stats are flying around, people are confirming whether or not the Oakland Raiders are still in the NFL, and everyone is trying to calculate an underdog. When you’re in the office and hear people yell to each other, “Dude, I got totally fucked last night!,” they’re not talking about Tinder. Relax HR, it’s just a way to explain getting screwed over with your Fantasy Football team (Hot Josh is totally talking about Tinder though). For the next 5 months, forget Sunday Fundays with your guy friends, unless a “fun day” means no one making eye contact with you until a commercial that doesn’t involve a hot girl eating a cheeseburger comes on.


Because this makes everyone want to go to Carl’s Jr.


Wait…okay what were you saying?

Fantasy Football is a bizarre concept because it’s basically betting to see whether or not someone will get a concussion or tear their ACL. A player’s level of play doesn’t matter, it really just depends on whether or not the players can stay out of the hospital. Imagine a spin-off league called Fantasy Life, where you bet on your friends and family to see if they’ll attain happiness in life. Oh no, Chris got a DUI in Year 23. He’s out for the season. SWEET, Katie got proposed to in Year 31! She’s going to the Playoffs!

Google is out and Yahoo is in (says no one 98% of the time) when it comes to Fantasy Football. Every time I visit the Yahoo site I feel like I just took a time machine back to 1998. I can’t help but think, “Didn’t I use a Yahoo email for my Xanga? I wonder what my login was…” Hold up. I’m wasting thoughts on something other than digital football. Stop that. Stop that now. 


Thank goodness….

Fantasy Football is the ultimate way to become obsessed with stats that do not even contribute to the outcome of a game. I’m spending half a day thinking about the current thickness of J.J. Watts’ neck and whether or not that will help him this season. Instead of tuning in for a team brainstorm at work, I’m thinking about how my ranking last week was affected by that one wide receiver not wearing his under eye black patch things during the last game. That totally threw off the home field advantage.

Fantasy Football is a close relative to Call of Duty (disclaimer: I have not played Call of Duty, this opinion is purely based off of misconceptions I have about the gaming world and stereotypes I see on television). Fantasy Football makes me want a headset. Think Britney Spears performing live, circa 2002. As I dive into my first season of Fantasy Football, I have low to zero expectations of success, but will continue to nod and smile as people around me lose their minds over it. 

Maybe I’ll win enough money for some fro-yo.  A medium fro-yo is my SuperBowl.