In order to watch the Pacquiao vs. Mayweather fight on HBO, millions of people around the world found a friend or bar willing to pay $99 this past Saturday. Celebrities flocked to the event, hungover from the Kentucky Derby. nervously smiling and nodding to make it seem as though they are boxing “regulars.” The majority of the audience watching on Saturday were peasants sitting on a couch at home with a pizza on their lap. Before the match began, thousands were frantically trying to remember key boxing themes from movies like Raging Bull and Million Dollar Baby, hoping to shed a glimpse of boxing knowledge on what was about to unfold. Some audience members even did so much as look up that butterfly-bee-sting quote by Mr. Ali, to truly prove he/she understands “the game.” Wasn’t Will Smith in a boxing movie, too? Ugh. 

Round after round, most of the people watching had no idea what was happening. For boxing aficionados, this match was awful. For women above the age of 18, Tom Brady was there. So it was awesome. At the end, it was “apparently” clear that Mayweather won.

As he did his P.Diddy touchdown-esqe dance upon winning, I had a revelation. Pacquiao won on Saturday night outside of the scorecards.

Here’s 5 reasons why:


1. That smile. Look at that freakin’ smile. Is he not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen? He’s 36 going on 18 months!


2. Jimmy Kimmel. If you can have a hilarious late-night host back you up, you’re a winner in anything. Next boxing celebrity-hypeman? Probably Ellen. 


3. He can UNDOUBTEDLY sing better than Jamie Foxx. He can MOST LIKELY act better than Jamie Foxx. 


4. He can always superman, no matter the outcome of the game. 


5. Pacquiao decided NOT to dress in pleather and alligator on Saturday.

Thank you.