Easter is never anyone’s favorite holiday. When someone asks, “Hey man, what’s your favorite holiday?” the natural responses are “Don’t ask me stupid questions” or “Jesus’ b-day.”
Christmas, Halloween, New Year’s and 4th of July. We get it. Easter always gets jipped. Somehow Arbor Day even wedges itself above Easter in the holiday ranking system. In the midst of picking out what to wear to Mass and blowing your nose from seasonal allergies, Easter is bound to yet again get blown off this year. But with my help, it’ll rise up (no Easter puns intended) and be revered as the great holiday it aspires to be.
10 Ways to make Easter 2015 the Sh*t:
1. Get a real rabbit involved. I don’t care how you do it and don’t do it for the kids. Do it for YOU.
2. Do NOT eat that cream in the egg. You will be ILL. You need to make it through Mass and brunch, or just brunch depending on how liberal your family is. C’mon, that ham at brunch will taste way better than that silvery liquid oozing out of an unidentified chocolate egg.
3. Peeps are only meant for decoration, I’m like 94.2% positive.
4. If you’re in charge of “hiding the eggs” do not take this job lightly. I REPEAT, DO NOT TAKE THIS JOB LIGHTLY. You better hide those eggs so well that your great-grandchildren can’t even find them.
5. Get some sort of tan before throwing on the pastel attire. Nobody is trying to look like Big Hero 6 right now.
6. Avoid the fake grass put inside of baskets. The second your finger touches this grass, it will follow you for the rest of the year until tinsel takes its place.
7. Try to stay awake during the service. I know you don’t have any props – like ash – to distract you with but c’mon, do it for the big man upstairs.
8. Eat like it’s Thanksgiving. Love like it’s Christmas. Be a drunk bitch like it’s Valentine’s Day.
9. Start hyping up Easter like it’s a friends holiday, i.e “Yo, what are you doing next year for Easter? All of us should for sure get together. I’ll look up flights on Southwest.”
10. Connect with Jews celebrating Passover and make it a COMBO celebration even though half the party isn’t sure what/who we are celebrating! Manischewitz Wine for all!